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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was very unique. The idea behind it was pretty interesting, and I'd love to read more.
However.
An important rule of writing is to show, not tell. The entire first chapter is pretty much just telling us everything that happened up to that point. It reads more like an essay than a story. The whole thing is one big info dump.
Take your time. Start by introducing the character at the academy or something. Explain things to us as you go, and, most importantly, add some detail. Describe the setting and everything.
The prologue especially needs a lot more detail. I can't picture the scene or the characters at all.
Really, though, this is a good idea, and with some work it could be a pretty good story.
Hi! Lilicia here, please excuse my extreme pickyness this evening!
Firstly, this was very interesting and original, I liked it. A very good idea for a story...
Now for the nitpicks:
It should be 'he' - uncapitalize that 'h'! There are other examples of this, make sure to find them
This is quite blunt. Show us, don't tell us. Is your heart hammering on your chest, are your hands beginning to tremble, are your eyes wide, confused?
'my everything' sounds unprofessional - perhaps 'my heart', my 'soul' might sound better?
This is a bit too wordy. Also, I got very shocked, finding out that she was an angel and all! But I suppose that's a good thing. I suggest you write it like this: 'I couldn't fall asleep for the twenty-seventh time in two months - not that I needed sleep anyway, being an Angel.'
I think you mean advance?
I am very confused. Paris? But Paris is in France, not in heaven! Could you perhaps explain a little more?
This full stop isn't necessary.
This sounds awkward. Maybe you could just leave it with, 'My name is Icera Nitro'? I think that's enough.
I'm not sure if blurrily is a proper word. It would sound better if you said: 'I saw the angel and demon fighting, a rapid blur...' or something like that...
This made me think, what was the MC doing in the two years before she went to the academy? I'd love it if this was explained, because at the moment it seems like there's a chunk missing. Details, please!
I don't think you should abbreviate here. It sounds almost too casual, like a diary entry or something - not a novel! Mister High and Mighty, please!
Personally, I don't like the parentheses here. I think if you say: 'so they'd introduce you to your mentor and tell you the one thousand pages of rules' it would sound better.
'but' isn't the right word here. If you think about it, everyone's happy therefore no one is disappointed. 'and' would work too.
That's all I can find! I apologise once more for my pickyness.
Overall, with a bit of grammatical and descriptive work, this could be a very good story indeed. I would like to hear about Icera, and her old world before she died, as it was obviously supernatural as well, with angel/demon fights in the park! Did Icera have any parents? Any family? Does she miss her world at all? We know that she loves Gabriel, but let's hear some more about her emotions, as she seems a very interesting character. With a few more descriptive words about her and her surroundings, this will be wonderful. Also, try to work a little more on the showing, not telling (I gave you an example before), so the reader can visualise everything.
PM me with any questions - I hope I helped!
Keep writing!
Okay! *rubs hands together* Let's see what I can find...
Right off the bat you have serious grammar problems. If you have a tag (he said, she said) then you use a comma before the end of the quotation marks. SO you're sentence should read....
"I don't think we should continue being together," he said calmly.
NEVER again use '?!' unless you want to appear as an amateur writer who doesn't know what they're doing. It is immature, and only seen in poorly written pieces. Rather, use a question mark, and make it evident that she is alarmed/surprised. I put a line through the last part of the sentence because it is not needed, and sort of redundant.
Cliche! And rather melodramatic. You have a good idea here, in this sentence, but the way you convey that idea needs work on. Try and explain why she was so distraught rather than just saying that 'her world fell apart'. Explain more of their love, what she would miss, ect.
Using 'but' to start a sentence can work, but using it twice in a row is really pushing your luck.
I think you're missing a word at the beginning of the sentence. If you add something like 'with' it would make so much more sense.
I added the semi-colon because something needed to seperate the two ideas. The general rule about numbers is if you can write it in one word, then do so. 'Whilst looking down' is redundant, because you already said that the view was from the top of a tall building. I put a period in there because the sentence had turned into a run on.
I separated the first two ideas as then sentence flowed awkwardly. I added the 'Don't get me wrong...' to the next sentence because
a) you started yet another sentence with 'but' and I thought it could be better
b) 'Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to kill myself' didn't really work on its own.
'Beginning of my afterlife'
Haha, nice choice of words!
First off, what does it matter that she was still a virgin? Unless this little tidbit is important later on (and it might be, I don't know) I would take it out.
The part I underlined was because it's really...not necessary. Perhaps something like
'semi-intentional, I could have stopped it, but I didn't.'
Okay! Overall I think you have a wonderfully unique idea-- if I seemed harsh I apologize, I just want this piece to be the best it can be. ((sorry about jumping on you on the use of ?!, it's just a pet peeve
You had some minor grammar problems. Mainly, you need to watch your sentences, the tend to be run-ons, separated by commas.
Other than that, I enjoyed your piece, and good luck with it!
Cool, I really liked it it's different. The whole heaven and hell thing is awesome. Great start, the story was so very interesting. It even made me laugh withtthat archangel Gabriel relationship.
Now a little review.
You could make like three sentences out of this one. There are missing periods and misplaced commas. So, I think it would be better like this: I never thought that such thing could happen to us but I should have. I mean, what did I expect after falling in love with archangel Gabriel?
You have to remember your capitals always and separate myview and my faith. Make them my view and my faith.
First of all, this is a run on sentence and second it doesn't make that much sense and it sounds awkward. I think it shoul be like this: I couldn't fall asleep fo the twenty-seventh time in two months; not that I needed slepp since I was an dead, an angel. So I went out to walk but I still couldn't stop thinking about him; I could still hear the low pitched echo of his sweet voice.
Run on again. Period between building and I.
Period and misplaced commas and punctuation. This is a huge sentence. So this is an example of how it should have been: It was wednesday when I went to the park. I blurrily the angel and the demon fighting and the angel suddenly threw his sword toward the demon but the demon deflected it, sending it my way. The balde was far enough for me to move out of the way but I just stood there, feeling like someone was waiting for me in hell.
.
This sentence is awkward. Try it like this: I only went to the Academy two years later when I heard that the archangles would be taking in new apprentices that year, since their appreantices had already graduated from the Academy. That meant that I was going to stay with the angel I was appointed for twelve years, since the Academia was 10 years and 2 years of preparation.
Overall: The story is fun and different, I loved it. It has some grammaar issues though, that can be easily corrected. I noticed that it was mostly puntuation, besides that the story was great.
Please Pm me if you are planning to write more about it.
Pudin
Hope this helped!!