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Young Writers Society



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by Mina Crescent


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93 Reviews

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Reviews: 93

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Mon Aug 10, 2009 9:08 pm
MagnusBane wrote a review...



This was very unique. The idea behind it was pretty interesting, and I'd love to read more.

However.

An important rule of writing is to show, not tell. The entire first chapter is pretty much just telling us everything that happened up to that point. It reads more like an essay than a story. The whole thing is one big info dump.

Take your time. Start by introducing the character at the academy or something. Explain things to us as you go, and, most importantly, add some detail. Describe the setting and everything.

The prologue especially needs a lot more detail. I can't picture the scene or the characters at all.

Really, though, this is a good idea, and with some work it could be a pretty good story.




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110 Reviews

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Sun Aug 09, 2009 9:04 pm
Lilicia wrote a review...



Hi! Lilicia here, please excuse my extreme pickyness this evening!
Firstly, this was very interesting and original, I liked it. A very good idea for a story...

Now for the nitpicks:

“I don’t think we should continue being together,“ He said calmly.


It should be 'he' - uncapitalize that 'h'! There are other examples of this, make sure to find them :) Also, 'he said calmly' doesn't sound... effective enough. This is the first line of a story, intrigue me! Maybe you could choose another adjective, one that doesn't need to use 'said' beforehand? Just a suggestion, though - if it works for you that's fine. I just very opinionated... 8)

I asked surprised and not believing what I had just heard


This is quite blunt. Show us, don't tell us. Is your heart hammering on your chest, are your hands beginning to tremble, are your eyes wide, confused?

I loved him so much, he was my world and my everything.


'my everything' sounds unprofessional - perhaps 'my heart', my 'soul' might sound better?

I couldn’t fall asleep for the twenty-seventh time in two months, not that I needed sleep, since i was dead, well actually an Angel and all.


This is a bit too wordy. Also, I got very shocked, finding out that she was an angel and all! But I suppose that's a good thing. I suggest you write it like this: 'I couldn't fall asleep for the twenty-seventh time in two months - not that I needed sleep anyway, being an Angel.'

I mean it was just five and a half hours in advanced.


I think you mean advance?

I looked for a tall building in the area and it wasn’t hard finding one since it was Paris.


I am very confused. Paris? But Paris is in France, not in heaven! Could you perhaps explain a little more?

A perfect atmosphere for jumping of the rooftop, don’t you think?.


This full stop isn't necessary.

My name was and still is Icera Nitro,


This sounds awkward. Maybe you could just leave it with, 'My name is Icera Nitro'? I think that's enough.

I saw blurrily the angel and demon fighting


I'm not sure if blurrily is a proper word. It would sound better if you said: 'I saw the angel and demon fighting, a rapid blur...' or something like that...

I only went to the Academy two years later when I heard that the archangels would be taking in new apprentices’that year,


This made me think, what was the MC doing in the two years before she went to the academy? I'd love it if this was explained, because at the moment it seems like there's a chunk missing. Details, please! :D Also, it should be apprentices instead of apprentices'.

To tell the truth, even if I didn’t like Mr. H and M,


I don't think you should abbreviate here. It sounds almost too casual, like a diary entry or something - not a novel! Mister High and Mighty, please! :)

so they’d introduce you to your mentor and tell you the rules(the one thousand page rules).


Personally, I don't like the parentheses here. I think if you say: 'so they'd introduce you to your mentor and tell you the one thousand pages of rules' it would sound better.

When the archangels had been introduced to their apprentices, everyone seemed happy but I don’t think any of the students were disappointed,


'but' isn't the right word here. If you think about it, everyone's happy therefore no one is disappointed. 'and' would work too.

That's all I can find! I apologise once more for my pickyness. :D

Overall, with a bit of grammatical and descriptive work, this could be a very good story indeed. I would like to hear about Icera, and her old world before she died, as it was obviously supernatural as well, with angel/demon fights in the park! Did Icera have any parents? Any family? Does she miss her world at all? We know that she loves Gabriel, but let's hear some more about her emotions, as she seems a very interesting character. With a few more descriptive words about her and her surroundings, this will be wonderful. Also, try to work a little more on the showing, not telling (I gave you an example before), so the reader can visualise everything.

PM me with any questions - I hope I helped!

Keep writing! :D




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Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:04 am
Anna09 wrote a review...



Okay! *rubs hands together* Let's see what I can find...

“I don’t think we should continue being together.“ He said calmly.

Right off the bat you have serious grammar problems. If you have a tag (he said, she said) then you use a comma before the end of the quotation marks. SO you're sentence should read....
"I don't think we should continue being together," he said calmly.

“What did you just say?!.” I asked surprised [s]and not believing what I had just heard.[/s]

NEVER again use '?!' unless you want to appear as an amateur writer who doesn't know what they're doing. It is immature, and only seen in poorly written pieces. Rather, use a question mark, and make it evident that she is alarmed/surprised. I put a line through the last part of the sentence because it is not needed, and sort of redundant.

“I said, I don’t think we should be together anymore, it's not fair for you,” he repeated.


I never thought that such a thing could happen to us. I should have, I mean what did I expect after falling in love with the archangel Gabriel?


And those words he said made my whole world fall apart and made my soul shatter into millions of pieces.

Cliche! And rather melodramatic. You have a good idea here, in this sentence, but the way you convey that idea needs work on. Try and explain why she was so distraught rather than just saying that 'her world fell apart'. Explain more of their love, what she would miss, ect.

[s]But[/s] Accepting that proposition would mean no turning back. But with everything that has started to happen, I'm not so sure about my view on good and evil nor my faith in good.

Using 'but' to start a sentence can work, but using it twice in a row is really pushing your luck.

Blue eyes that reminded me so much of the ocean, I remember being with him and feeling “alive”

I think you're missing a word at the beginning of the sentence. If you add something like 'with' it would make so much more sense.

The moonlight lit up the city; it was a rainy night and the view atop the sixteen story building was beautiful [s]whilst looking down[/s]. A perfect atmosphere for jumping of the rooftop, don’t you think?

I added the semi-colon because something needed to seperate the two ideas. The general rule about numbers is if you can write it in one word, then do so. 'Whilst looking down' is redundant, because you already said that the view was from the top of a tall building. I put a period in there because the sentence had turned into a run on.

I went closer to the edge readying myself to jump. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to kill myself; but for you to understand why I was atop a 16 story building, I have to explain from the beginning of my afterlife.

I separated the first two ideas as then sentence flowed awkwardly. I added the 'Don't get me wrong...' to the next sentence because
a) you started yet another sentence with 'but' and I thought it could be better
b) 'Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to kill myself' didn't really work on its own.
'Beginning of my afterlife'
Haha, nice choice of words! :)

My name was and still is Icera Nitro. I died seven years ago at age ninteen and still a virgin, my death was semi- intentional, I mean I could have stopped it but I didn’t.

First off, what does it matter that she was still a virgin? Unless this little tidbit is important later on (and it might be, I don't know) I would take it out.
The part I underlined was because it's really...not necessary. Perhaps something like
'semi-intentional, I could have stopped it, but I didn't.'

Okay! Overall I think you have a wonderfully unique idea-- if I seemed harsh I apologize, I just want this piece to be the best it can be. ((sorry about jumping on you on the use of ?!, it's just a pet peeve ;)))

You had some minor grammar problems. Mainly, you need to watch your sentences, the tend to be run-ons, separated by commas.

Other than that, I enjoyed your piece, and good luck with it! :)




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Fri Aug 07, 2009 9:27 pm
pudin.junidf wrote a review...



Cool, I really liked it it's different. The whole heaven and hell thing is awesome. Great start, the story was so very interesting. It even made me laugh withtthat archangel Gabriel relationship.

Now a little review.

I never thought that such a thing could happen to us, but I should have, I mean what did I expect after falling in love with the archangel Gabriel.

You could make like three sentences out of this one. There are missing periods and misplaced commas. So, I think it would be better like this: I never thought that such thing could happen to us but I should have. I mean, what did I expect after falling in love with archangel Gabriel?

im not so sure about myview on good and evil nor myfaith in good.

You have to remember your capitals always and separate myview and my faith. Make them my view and my faith.

I couldn’t fall asleep for the 27th time in two months, not that I needed sleep, being dead, well being an Angel and all, so I went out walking but I still couldn’t stop thinking about him, I could hear the echo of his low pitched sweet voice.


First of all, this is a run on sentence and second it doesn't make that much sense and it sounds awkward. I think it shoul be like this: I couldn't fall asleep fo the twenty-seventh time in two months; not that I needed slepp since I was an dead, an angel. So I went out to walk but I still couldn't stop thinking about him; I could still hear the low pitched echo of his sweet voice.

No one was around, so I used the emergency stairs to climb atop the building, I could have easily flown, but you never know who’s watching.


Run on again. Period between building and I.

It was Wednesday night when I went to the park, I saw blurrily the angel and demon fighting, but then the angel threw his sword at the demon, but the demon blocked It and deflected it, thus sending it my way, the blade was far enough for me to move out of the way, but I just stood there, I felt like someone was waiting for me in hell.


Period and misplaced commas and punctuation. This is a huge sentence. So this is an example of how it should have been: It was wednesday when I went to the park. I blurrily the angel and the demon fighting and the angel suddenly threw his sword toward the demon but the demon deflected it, sending it my way. The balde was far enough for me to move out of the way but I just stood there, feeling like someone was waiting for me in hell.

I only went to the Academy 2 years later, when I heard that the archangels would be taking in new apprentices’ that year, since their apprentices’ had graduated from the Academy, meaning that I was going to stay with the angel I was appointed to for 12 years, since the academia was 10 years and 2 preparation years
.

This sentence is awkward. Try it like this: I only went to the Academy two years later when I heard that the archangles would be taking in new apprentices that year, since their appreantices had already graduated from the Academy. That meant that I was going to stay with the angel I was appointed for twelve years, since the Academia was 10 years and 2 years of preparation.

Overall: The story is fun and different, I loved it. It has some grammaar issues though, that can be easily corrected. I noticed that it was mostly puntuation, besides that the story was great.

Please Pm me if you are planning to write more about it.
Pudin

Hope this helped!!





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